Tag Archive | motherhood

Invisible … the grieving process

Invisible, that’s how I felt.

I wanted to slide away … come back healed, the pain washed away.

I had lost so much, my dream vanished, taken out of me no matter how I fought.

I felt sorry for myself, hated myself, hated this body that had let me down, failing to keep my baby alive to be born safely.

I hid from the world, not wanting to get out of the house.

I numbed myself to calm the rage inside of me, nothing seemed to help.

Guilty for not being more cheerful for my two lovely children.

I felt like I had lost my way.

The daily reminders of what I had lost, injections,  tests and treatments, the fight to go on because I’m a mum and I owe it to my children.

Then I see them smile again, hear them laughing and one day I stop crying myself to sleep.

Little by little, I became stronger despite this body of mine that insists on playing tricks with me.

It’s all part of the grieving process. You think your world has ended. nothing will ever be the same.

I died a little that dreadful day, I did slide away I suppose …

Until eventually I came alive again.

❧❧❧

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/04/24/time-the-greatest-healer/


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On the joy of being a mum

The joys of motherhood:

  • when you finally drop off to sleep, only to be woken up by your little one having a nightmare.(aha!)
  • when they say the nicest things.
  • when they see the world so much more clearly than adults.
  • when they draw, paint, create and offer you their master piece.
  • when they first smile at you.
  • when you hear their babble.
  • when you see them persevering and finally succeed.
  • when they give you a cuddle.
  • when they snuggle up with you.
  • when they look at you in awe. I know, you’re going to tell me it won’t last.
  • when they try to cheer you up if you’re a little down in the dumps or not feeling well.
  • when they look radiant whatever the reason might be.
  • when their little faces lighten up.

And all these little things that fill you with joy and warm you up inside.


Time…the greatest healer ?

Although at times I’ve felt overwhelmed with sorrow and grief, I don’t think I was ever depressed.Somehow I always managed to push myself a little further.

A recent article I read this morning states that 1 in 6 of us suffers from depression.

I remember a visit to my doctor a couple of years ago.I’d gone to see him reluctantly, still raw from the pain .I had no intention of opening up, just wanting to get this visit over and done with.

I was still undergoing treatment having been extremely ill and suffering a massive pulmonary embolism in the bargain.

Having dealt with the necessary blood tests and adjusting medications, he then very gently asked me how I was doing.I found it  hard to deal with such kindness but having tried to fight furiously the tears welling up in my eyes, I gave up the pretence.

I admitted I was angry, I felt that losing my baby was a tragedy that could have been prevented and I felt guilty for not having a body better suited to carrying a baby.

I didn’t want anybody to be kind to me, I just wanted to be left alone, my only comfort being that having survived, I could look after my children.

My doctor then asked to take this test and on completing it, told me ever so gently that I was not depressed but grieving.I suppose, deep down, I must have known that but having my doctor saying it validated my pain and feelings.

It was ok to grieve and his words freed me.All the consultants and medical people had been focussing on the risk I was still under and that didn’t leave much room for feelings as is often the case.

People around me either didn’t know or considered I was lucky to have survived and well, I had two children already and this one hadn’t even been born.

Soon afterwards, this idea came to me.The children and I bought a balloon, decorated it with messages and then released it in the garden.

It was painful, excruciatingly painful.As we watched it float away towards the sky, my daughter cried, finally releasing the pain and tears some “well-intentioned” person had told her not to show in my presence.

I felt relieved to see her releasing all these emotions.We hugged and cried together, healing ourselves and each other.

I’ll never forget my baby, a baby so longed for, so wanted.I will always wonder what he would have looked like and still feel the pain of not having held him in my arms.

The road to recovery was long and painful.Time does heal you eventually so does love and children.The two children I am indeed very lucky to have.

How life evolves, surprising you at every corner.There was a time, not so long ago when I felt utterly broken.I did will myself to survive and get through this.I chose life!

I thought back then that the most I could hope for was to make my children happy and raise them the best I could.

I couldn’t believe I would be truly happy again, that I would feel so full of life again and vibrant.

I felt that after having been through so many heartbreaks and difficult times, I had lost my optimism that had pulled me through all the unhappiness in my past.I’d stopped believing in me.

Now, I know better, my true self overcame these negative feelings and triumphed.Through all the trials and tribulations life throws at us, there is always hope.

As a young child I believed and hoped, it made me a survivor.We are free to survive our lives and to live them to the fullest.Given time and hope, it is amazing what you can accomplish.

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/i-knew-you-already/

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/29/second-edition/

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/mother-love/

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/living-in-fear/

Tears in my eyes

I’m very emotional, not the type to blubber for no good reason just very sensitive and sometimes a bit too compassionate, but that’s another story.

Growing up, I learned to cry in private, the slightest sign of tears would only bring me more trouble.
So, not to make matters worse for myself, I’d choke inside, hardly able to breathe, trying my damnest not to show how it all affected me.

Over the years I’ve cried rivers, sometimes torrents of tears, hurting and grieving, the pain sometimes seemingly unbearable.

Then, one day, I realised one can cry happy tears, the ones that happen for the simplest events, those little things that matter to you so much and make you so happy.

Just watching my children playing or having a good time can bring on the tears of joy.I can feel my eyes starting to well up, overwhelmed with this happy feeling.

Moments to treasure and look back upon, these precious moments that get you through the tough times and warm you up inside to remind you that life isn’t always perfect but it always get better again, eventually!

© elleonthego

cuddles …always


What makes a good mum?

  • I try my best.I’m not perfect.
  • I do try to instil optimism and self-confidence to my children.
  • I give them all my love and lots of  cuddles

The hardest part is when you realise you cannot make things better all the time.

Sometimes, try as you might, cuddles will not make the hurting go away or the tears go away.

Not straight away !

My son, so sensitive, easily upset.It takes time and patience to comfort him.When he was a baby,I thought I’d suddenly become a bad mother overnight.He used to cry so much and scream.I used to find it unbearable and then one day I realised that was his way.Yes,he was still crying but he was also reassured by my presence and comforted by my cuddles

It had been different with my daughter,she was also forever in my arms.She too is  very sensitive but the minute I’d pick her up, she would stop crying and she was always smiling.I guess you do it once and everything is so perfect, you think you know it all.

All children are different.Mine are very alike but they do have their differences too.

Motherhood is a constant learning process, you have to go with the flow sometimes,trust your instincts, adapt constantly and relax.

You should also learn not to blame yourself constantly.There are up and downs, it’s part of the learning curve.Life is never perfect, nor are mothers!

Motherhood, a form of oppression ?!

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article7070165.ece

This is an article about E. Badinter, whom I wrote about in a previous post.

Astonishing views,I’m still as outraged as the first time I heard her on the news!

Following is the link to the post I wrote in reaction to the nonsense I heard.

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/02/20/e-badinter-and-her-distorted-views-on-women-and-feminism/

Comments and reactions very welcome!

Mother love

I love being a mum, I have two beautiful children who brighten my life everyday.It’s not always easy being a mum, there are ups and downs, but it’s the most rewarding job I’ve ever done.No book can ever teach you how to be a good mum, some at best can give you ideas and guidance. I learned to trust my instinct and shower them with love, with love you can’t go wrong.They do tell me I’m the best mum in the world,I’m not perfect but I do strive to do my very best.

On Sunday, it was Mother’s day back in England.I’m lucky to have 2 Mother’s days, ever since my daughter found out they celebrate Mother’s day at a different time in France.At the time, I ‘d been rushed into a french hospital while on holiday. I was pregnant with my son and had complications early on as in all my pregnancies.Both my children were fighters, I’m lucky to have had them and I’m glad I didn’t listen to the doctors who said they wouldn’t make it.
On that Mother’s day in France, a nurse appeared in my room with flowers.I was dumbfounded until she explained they were a present from the local mayor to all the mothers at the hospital, a lovely thought.
So the tradition of both Mother’s day was established and I can look forward to it again in a few weeks.
I will always think of my  little ones who didn’t make it into this world, I’ve learned to accept there will be no more babies to cherish and hold in my arms, my last pregnancy nearly killed me.
So I count my blessings, I survived and was given the chance to keep looking after the two treasures I’ve already got, I’m a very happy and lucky Mummy.
“True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions.”