Tag Archive | Grief Loss and Bereavement

Time…the greatest healer ?

Although at times I’ve felt overwhelmed with sorrow and grief, I don’t think I was ever depressed.Somehow I always managed to push myself a little further.

A recent article I read this morning states that 1 in 6 of us suffers from depression.

I remember a visit to my doctor a couple of years ago.I’d gone to see him reluctantly, still raw from the pain .I had no intention of opening up, just wanting to get this visit over and done with.

I was still undergoing treatment having been extremely ill and suffering a massive pulmonary embolism in the bargain.

Having dealt with the necessary blood tests and adjusting medications, he then very gently asked me how I was doing.I found it  hard to deal with such kindness but having tried to fight furiously the tears welling up in my eyes, I gave up the pretence.

I admitted I was angry, I felt that losing my baby was a tragedy that could have been prevented and I felt guilty for not having a body better suited to carrying a baby.

I didn’t want anybody to be kind to me, I just wanted to be left alone, my only comfort being that having survived, I could look after my children.

My doctor then asked to take this test and on completing it, told me ever so gently that I was not depressed but grieving.I suppose, deep down, I must have known that but having my doctor saying it validated my pain and feelings.

It was ok to grieve and his words freed me.All the consultants and medical people had been focussing on the risk I was still under and that didn’t leave much room for feelings as is often the case.

People around me either didn’t know or considered I was lucky to have survived and well, I had two children already and this one hadn’t even been born.

Soon afterwards, this idea came to me.The children and I bought a balloon, decorated it with messages and then released it in the garden.

It was painful, excruciatingly painful.As we watched it float away towards the sky, my daughter cried, finally releasing the pain and tears some “well-intentioned” person had told her not to show in my presence.

I felt relieved to see her releasing all these emotions.We hugged and cried together, healing ourselves and each other.

I’ll never forget my baby, a baby so longed for, so wanted.I will always wonder what he would have looked like and still feel the pain of not having held him in my arms.

The road to recovery was long and painful.Time does heal you eventually so does love and children.The two children I am indeed very lucky to have.

How life evolves, surprising you at every corner.There was a time, not so long ago when I felt utterly broken.I did will myself to survive and get through this.I chose life!

I thought back then that the most I could hope for was to make my children happy and raise them the best I could.

I couldn’t believe I would be truly happy again, that I would feel so full of life again and vibrant.

I felt that after having been through so many heartbreaks and difficult times, I had lost my optimism that had pulled me through all the unhappiness in my past.I’d stopped believing in me.

Now, I know better, my true self overcame these negative feelings and triumphed.Through all the trials and tribulations life throws at us, there is always hope.

As a young child I believed and hoped, it made me a survivor.We are free to survive our lives and to live them to the fullest.Given time and hope, it is amazing what you can accomplish.

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/i-knew-you-already/

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/29/second-edition/

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/mother-love/

https://elleamberley.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/living-in-fear/

Advertisements

The hazards of social networking

Until last year I only used my computer for writing and a little research on the Internet.All that changed when we finally got broadband.I know…

At the time I was recovering from a debilitating illness which resulted in the loss of my unborn baby.As I started finding myself again, a chance discovery on the Internet precipitated the return of my springing back to life.It was while searching for french  nursery rhymes to teach to my children that a link appeared.I was rather shocked at first, since it echoed from somewhere deep in my past, but also incredibly curious.Something that I’d long forgotten and buried brought back memories of the little girl I once was.

It reminded me of who I am, pushed me to re-evaluate my life and reconcile the many different aspects of my personality.I’ve had an unusual life…

Soon afterwards, I created a Myspace profile.I had no intentions in doing so to make new “friends”,the concept at the time sounding seemingly bizarre.After all, I had resisted my own friends’ calls to join them on Facebook.I’ve always been music mad, music provided  an escape for me growing up and still plays a huge part in my life.That’s why I was so taken with Myspace, the access to so many bands and their music.

Immediately came friend requests form total strangers which I found a little odd to begin with.

As I ended going to Paris one day, I happened to meet some of my new friends, a thoroughly pleasant experience.That week-end I was also to meet a very special person for the first time so we ended up staying longer than initially planned.

Many of my friends had started  following me onto Myspace by then.It was fantastic to exchange message,videos with friends living far away. When you have lived in as many countries as I have, it can be difficult to stay in touch.Through my illness and grief I had sort of withdrawn.All my energy was focused on my children, the grief I experienced had killed me inside and nearly sent me mad.Illness, for me, was a lot easier to cope with than grief.

I started to feel alive again, the constant river of tears finally drying up.As I re-evaluated my life, I realised I had choices to make.For a  few years since before I had lost my baby, things had been pretty difficult and I had been very unhappy, now I was faced with the decision to carry on as I was or to turn my life round again.Trouble was I’d long grown too tired to think about it, I’d isolated myself partly through pride and hadn’t really talked to anybody about it.

As 2 of my friends came back to live in England one day, they were quite shocked to see how I’d changed in so little time.Once I started talking, I didn’t stop.It snowballed and soon all my friends were told.I was quite ill again thoroughly exhausted and with so many decisions to make.(There is so much more I could say, some of it a little too private.)I started seeing things much more clearly being away from all the painful reminders.

Social networking gives you the opportunity of getting to know people you  would never have met otherwise, some people like you, others completely different, many, very interesting characters.I ‘ve also learned a lot and  surprised myself in many ways.I enjoy new skills, that is when I’m not screaming with frustration because the computer is too slow or my lack of knowledge when it comes to technical stuff .

I did get my happy ending after all, a rather unexpected one.I’ve learned a great deal over the last year or so, I got back in touch with myself, reconnected in more ways than one.I’ve remembered the little girl I was and her struggles and how she came through.I know I’m strong and confident again and capable of so much more.

We are free to survive our lives and to live our lives to the full.