Tag Archive | abuse

Suffer the little children

Suffer the little children

Dirty little men

They’re all the same

Looking for their next prey

A vulnerable child

One who won’t tell

No one to turn to

Oh, but the shame they feel

Remaining hidden

And so the story goes on

Little children suffer

In silence

Nobody knows

Or they don’t care

But the children

They don’t forget

The scars remain.

Who is Natasha Parker?

Santa Barbara holds a piece of my heart and became a life-changing experience for me. So, when Natasha popped up in my head, demanding to be written, I knew this was the place for her. A safe place, away from harm, where she could relax and drop her guard, find and be herself.

Natasha is very special to me because we share similar experiences. However, I did not want to write a story that was merely about living in fear. I wanted to show that many of us who have gone through dreadful events do get stronger, that we can all break the cycle. Sartre said that we always have a choice. Indeed how we react is up to us, we can lie down as victims or pick ourselves up, live to see another day and grow from it

This has been the story of my life. As a young child I thought of ending it all, I did not know the term “suicide” then but I knew about finality and deliverance. As an adult, grieving many years later I came close to that feeling again, although this time I just wanted to slide away. Being in so much pain that you want it stop just for a minute, but having too many responsibilities to allow this selfish act of giving up. Only two little blonde heads carrying you through another day but enough already, that’s another storyline altogether.

Once a victim, always a victim?

My new novel follows a British student as she leaves her past behind her to go and study in California. Make no mistake, Natasha is a go-getter, a fighter, not a victim.

Abuse is ugly and all too often an assumption takes place, labels stick. Once a victim, always a victim? Abused children go on to replicate what was done to them?

I don’t think so. Yes, of course it does happen, but a difficult upbringing is never an excuse and many of us do go on to become loving parents. Perhaps it makes us better parents, I don’t know but for those who recover and break the cycle life becomes a constant search to better ourselves, a perpetual discovery and lightbulb moments.  For even after all these years you suddenly get a better understanding of past events and with life experience you might understand, not excuse, what pushed people to act the way they did but also to understand you were not the only one, that it didn’t happen because of something you did.

Whatever happens to us, we have a choice, we can turn our lives around instead of seeing ourselves as victims.

In Nowhere Left to Hide, Natasha has to fight her childhood ghosts. She’s had to run away many times, she knows what it is to live in fear and run away in the night.

When she’s offered the opportunity to study in Santa Barbara she does not hesitate despite being warned of the challenge ahead of her. She doesn’t even consider it a challenge, rather she sees her chance to be free and seizes it.

Being so far away from her tormentors and her fears she can finally be herself and shake off the labels. She makes friends and falls in love. The big question is: can she conquer her last fear?

Would somebody explain?

the reasons for all this nastiness?

People belittling others, why?

Would somebody explain why women are supposed to have no sins, be better behaved than saints in order to make a complaint?

I’m talking in general. Pity those who have been abused for if they do want justice they will go through another hell, having to defend their own reputations and behaviour.

To all who are quick to judge, have you never lied? People who have never suffered abuse cannot begin to understand.

I do not know the ins and outs of various cases. All I can say is I feel compassion for all victims.

Virgin suicide

As luck would happen while going through my notes the other day ( I’m a messy writer) I came across the first piece I wrote in french.

Why did I write it in french? Perhaps because I was in France and my memories had been stirred, I’d just gone through an amazing change in my life following a very distressing period of my life.

I wrote about this in my first poem,  in a funny way it was easier to express my thoughts in french, less hurtful.

The last few days I’ve been thinking about suicide anyway having read Ann Scott’s  powerful article in a french newspaper where she talks about the loss of her friends.

Why do some people think about suicide and others actually go through with it?
  • for some, it’s a cry for help.
  • others are determined to end it all.
  • some go through a moment of despair and are sometimes quite glad that they haven’t succeeded.


Children think about killing themselves too.They might not know what suicide is but they get so desperate that  they want to end it all.

I remember being one of them, I was very young when the thought of dying became much more appealing than living.I was a very unhappy child, one that suffered abuse.

I thought about it on and off through my childhood, for me it was the easy way out at the time.

Then I grew up and took control of my life.I never thought about dying past that point until one day life played another nasty trick on me.

I was going  through a very difficult and emotionally draining time.Everything was falling apart but I had my children and I was strong.

One day, I became pregnant again, was overjoyed, another little one to cuddle and love.I was very ill sure but it didn’t matter, except this time it was a lot more serious and soon I was  fighting for my life.I found myself at the back of an ambulance not knowing whether I’d see my children again.

Then it all went black until I woke up and the baby was gone.

There were times after that when I did not want to fight anymore and the temptation was there to let this illness claim my life too.Then I looked at my children and it sparked me back into action.It was a very small spark to begin with, it took time.

More than ever I respect life as always, life is precious and we all have something to give, sometimes it just takes time to appreciate what we can all achieve.

If you take your life, that’s final, you don get a chance to make your life better.I could never inflict that on my children.

I suppose I’ve always had a strong survival instinct, a belief deep down that there is always a light at the end of the darkest of tunnels.

That’s why I explain to my children that life is a long endless cycle.Many things may happen,little and not so little tragedies but sooner or later there will be rejoicing again.It’s the circle of life.