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All changes even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another

Anatole France

 

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Virgin suicide

As luck would happen while going through my notes the other day ( I’m a messy writer) I came across the first piece I wrote in french.

Why did I write it in french? Perhaps because I was in France and my memories had been stirred, I’d just gone through an amazing change in my life following a very distressing period of my life.

I wrote about this in my first poem,  in a funny way it was easier to express my thoughts in french, less hurtful.

The last few days I’ve been thinking about suicide anyway having read Ann Scott’s  powerful article in a french newspaper where she talks about the loss of her friends.

Why do some people think about suicide and others actually go through with it?
  • for some, it’s a cry for help.
  • others are determined to end it all.
  • some go through a moment of despair and are sometimes quite glad that they haven’t succeeded.


Children think about killing themselves too.They might not know what suicide is but they get so desperate that  they want to end it all.

I remember being one of them, I was very young when the thought of dying became much more appealing than living.I was a very unhappy child, one that suffered abuse.

I thought about it on and off through my childhood, for me it was the easy way out at the time.

Then I grew up and took control of my life.I never thought about dying past that point until one day life played another nasty trick on me.

I was going  through a very difficult and emotionally draining time.Everything was falling apart but I had my children and I was strong.

One day, I became pregnant again, was overjoyed, another little one to cuddle and love.I was very ill sure but it didn’t matter, except this time it was a lot more serious and soon I was  fighting for my life.I found myself at the back of an ambulance not knowing whether I’d see my children again.

Then it all went black until I woke up and the baby was gone.

There were times after that when I did not want to fight anymore and the temptation was there to let this illness claim my life too.Then I looked at my children and it sparked me back into action.It was a very small spark to begin with, it took time.

More than ever I respect life as always, life is precious and we all have something to give, sometimes it just takes time to appreciate what we can all achieve.

If you take your life, that’s final, you don get a chance to make your life better.I could never inflict that on my children.

I suppose I’ve always had a strong survival instinct, a belief deep down that there is always a light at the end of the darkest of tunnels.

That’s why I explain to my children that life is a long endless cycle.Many things may happen,little and not so little tragedies but sooner or later there will be rejoicing again.It’s the circle of life.

Jean-Paul Sartre

  • Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
  • Politics is a science. You can demonstrate that you are right and that others are wrong.
  • We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are – that is the fact.
  • All that I know about my life, it seems, I have learned in books.
  • Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.
  • I do not believe in God; his existence has been disproved by Science. But in the concentration camp, I learned to believe in men.
  • If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.
  • Life begins on the other side of despair.
  • We must act out passion before we can feel it.

. . .