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Small mercy

Some people spend their lives in anticipation of what might happen in the future, longing for things they desire, a better job, a better house, winning the lottery…

Instead of living for now, they believe that “if” and “when” are the answers to their happiness.

“When I have …” or “If only…”

They forget that tomorrow might never happen, that life is precious and should be embraced there and now.

You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die,or when.You can decide how you’re going to live now” Joan Baez

If you don’t learn to live for the moment, what makes you think you will enjoy tomorrow better ?

Sure, your life might improve but as an adult you are in control of your destiny and your happiness.

Man is fully responsible for his nature and his choices. ” J-P Sartre

As a child, I was vulnerable I might have had no power over what was happening but I chose to use my imagination and often retreated in my own universe.

As an adult, I took charge and broke the vicious circle that had been casting its shadow over my family.

We do not have to suffer our lives or wait for some miracle to happen so let’s embrace it.Even on the darkest of days, there is always something to be grateful about, some small mercy.

Remember, this is now,and now,and now.Live it, feel it and cling to it.I want to become acutely aware of all that I’ve taken for granted”  S.Plath


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Mr Whinger and co

Yep, you know the type, always complaining and it never is their fault! I lived with  a whinger once, it exhausted me and slowly took my spirit away little by little.

If they do get to apologise, it is invariably followed by a “if” or a “but”.Well, what does that mean? ☹

Either you’re sorry or you’re not ! Saying “I’m sorry if I hurt you” or  “I’m sorry but …” doesn’t really say you’re sorry but implies somehow you’re the one to blame or  being difficult.It trivialises the issue.

I tend to be a giver, a carer and a worrier.I’m the shoulder people cry on but sometimes I need to offload too.

When I first met Mr Whinger, I was a bubbly person. ☺

I’ve always been optimistic and he was Mr Pessimistic.After a while, it rubs off on you, you try and resist it but ultimately it wore me down, probably because I was going through a very difficult time and I was rather poorly.Where was my shoulder for me to cry on?

So after all the crises and the loneliness I had to make a choice but hey, life is full of them, isn’t it?!

One thing I also found is that living with a pessimistic ruins your social life, friends wanted to meet up with me but curiously they wer never too keen to visit us at home.

I’m really sorry for Mr Whinger by the way, sorry you thought the whole world was against you and you isolated yourself not letting anyone in.I wished you’d let me in,I had so much love to give and you knew it, only didn’t know how to respond to it.

☆ “It takes a genius to whine appealingly.” F.Scott Fitzgerald quote

A poet? me?

I’ve been writing ever since I was a little kid, never thought of much until I was in my twenties.I certainly never thought I would ever make a living out of it.Writing has always come to me naturally, so  I never assumed it could be any good.

I’ve always got plenty of ideas, just always lacking the time.Then, I find myself in the middle night writing a bit more, fighting this constant war between my brain and the torrent of words that want to escape.Yeah, I know, I sound mad again.

These days, my writing style has changed.Previously I wrote mainly fiction and sometimes magazine articles but recently a funny thing happened.As I was recovering from an illness and grieving the loss of my baby, I finally started to find myself again under all that pain.

Then one day as my life had so completely changed, I wrote my first poem.There, I’ve said it! I’d never written anything like this before, I never even considered it was a poem.Bizarrely, it all came out in five minutes flat and in French.Well,that’s another, long story and no, I’m not french.

The Dear One gently forced me to write it down, you see.He knows when I get so restless, my brain itching to let the words out so that day he sat me down, put paper on the table and a pen in my hand.He urged me to let it all out and there it was, the words surprising me as I struggled to keep pace with them.

So I started to write more and more, even started this blog, it seemed like a good idea, although at the time I wondered what I would put on this blog, when I’d find the time and why would anybody be interested.The truth is, none of this really matters because this has also been a wonderfully liberating experience.

I can add content whenever I want, nobody has a say on what I write but it has helped me expressing all sorts of emotions and sharing intimate details of my life i never would have thought of sharing before.
When I say liberating though, this brings up another paradox.Yes, it is liberating but I’m now even more of a slave to writing.

So back to poems, I remember the first time somebody wrote to me about my poems.I thought that was just a fluke but then the comments kept on coming.I know it doesn’t really matter what they are after all, the point is that somebody out there enjoyed or appreciated what I wrote.

Today, yet again several people referred to my poems, it still surprises me.I just never saw myself as somebody who could write poems so thank you for all the lovely comments here and on twitter, I really do appreciate them.

Wait and see…

I remember a few years ago trying to explain this concept to a Japanese friend of mine, back in the days when I was living in Santa Barbara.Well, I’m not exactly blessed with patience but still.

So today, I was due for an appointment at the hospital.Did I mention that I hate hospitals, those of you who know me will know why.Yeah, I know as if anybody likes them!

Never something to look forward, I have not been blessed with good health.I deal with it!

My consultant starts prodding, I can see him shaking his head, the Dear One is already freaked out.More procedures to come and that’s on top of why I’m here for today.

The Dear One is holding my hand, I can see the tears brimming in his eyes, I’m trying to swallow and maintain my british reserve.Oh heck!

We’re home now and I didn’t even get a lecture when asked what I’d like to drink I replied coffee please.The Dear One is very keen on all things natural as I am, it’s just I do like a nice cup of coffee.

So now, we wait and see.I’m not good at being patient but I am good at keeping a cool head and being optimistic.I refuse to worry about it until we know more.

After all, it might be nothing and then what good will have been achieved and if it is bad news, then there will be plenty of time to worry about it and deal with it.

getting in touch with my feminine side

Over the years, I’ve become more and more feminine.Growing up, I certainly didn’t want to attract that sort of “unwanted” attention.It came as a huge shock ,that aged only 10,there could such people preying on little innocent girls.

As I became a mum for the first time,I began to choose clothes much more selectively,selecting colours I would never have tried before.Previously,bags would have been more practical than fashionable and I  had just enough pairs of shoes.

While I haven’t quite turned into Imelda Marcos,I now appreciate looking for a new handbag and take more care and time in choosing shoes and accessories.

Gone are the days,when I’d just buy clothes and accessories because I really had to.Yes,I’ve finally got in touch with my feminine side and I’m happy to show it off and be myself.

finding oneself

I am a paradox,full of contradictions.

I’m not a comformist but I’m certainly not seeking to be a rebel either.I just don’t do things or behave a certain way just because that is what is expected.

I don’t fit neatly into one category or any moulds.

I tend to be very opiniated and passionate but I do and like to listen to other people’s views or opinions.I cannot stand extremists though!

As a child I sometimes wished I could have fitted in a bit more(not always easy when your family is constantly on the move!)

What I have learned that it is ok to be different,we are not clones after all! We are all different ,some of us just a little more than others.

The hazards of social networking

Until last year I only used my computer for writing and a little research on the Internet.All that changed when we finally got broadband.I know…

At the time I was recovering from a debilitating illness which resulted in the loss of my unborn baby.As I started finding myself again, a chance discovery on the Internet precipitated the return of my springing back to life.It was while searching for french  nursery rhymes to teach to my children that a link appeared.I was rather shocked at first, since it echoed from somewhere deep in my past, but also incredibly curious.Something that I’d long forgotten and buried brought back memories of the little girl I once was.

It reminded me of who I am, pushed me to re-evaluate my life and reconcile the many different aspects of my personality.I’ve had an unusual life…

Soon afterwards, I created a Myspace profile.I had no intentions in doing so to make new “friends”,the concept at the time sounding seemingly bizarre.After all, I had resisted my own friends’ calls to join them on Facebook.I’ve always been music mad, music provided  an escape for me growing up and still plays a huge part in my life.That’s why I was so taken with Myspace, the access to so many bands and their music.

Immediately came friend requests form total strangers which I found a little odd to begin with.

As I ended going to Paris one day, I happened to meet some of my new friends, a thoroughly pleasant experience.That week-end I was also to meet a very special person for the first time so we ended up staying longer than initially planned.

Many of my friends had started  following me onto Myspace by then.It was fantastic to exchange message,videos with friends living far away. When you have lived in as many countries as I have, it can be difficult to stay in touch.Through my illness and grief I had sort of withdrawn.All my energy was focused on my children, the grief I experienced had killed me inside and nearly sent me mad.Illness, for me, was a lot easier to cope with than grief.

I started to feel alive again, the constant river of tears finally drying up.As I re-evaluated my life, I realised I had choices to make.For a  few years since before I had lost my baby, things had been pretty difficult and I had been very unhappy, now I was faced with the decision to carry on as I was or to turn my life round again.Trouble was I’d long grown too tired to think about it, I’d isolated myself partly through pride and hadn’t really talked to anybody about it.

As 2 of my friends came back to live in England one day, they were quite shocked to see how I’d changed in so little time.Once I started talking, I didn’t stop.It snowballed and soon all my friends were told.I was quite ill again thoroughly exhausted and with so many decisions to make.(There is so much more I could say, some of it a little too private.)I started seeing things much more clearly being away from all the painful reminders.

Social networking gives you the opportunity of getting to know people you  would never have met otherwise, some people like you, others completely different, many, very interesting characters.I ‘ve also learned a lot and  surprised myself in many ways.I enjoy new skills, that is when I’m not screaming with frustration because the computer is too slow or my lack of knowledge when it comes to technical stuff .

I did get my happy ending after all, a rather unexpected one.I’ve learned a great deal over the last year or so, I got back in touch with myself, reconnected in more ways than one.I’ve remembered the little girl I was and her struggles and how she came through.I know I’m strong and confident again and capable of so much more.

We are free to survive our lives and to live our lives to the full.