Invisible, that’s how I felt.
I wanted to slide away … come back healed, the pain washed away.
I had lost so much, my dream vanished, taken out of me no matter how I fought.
I felt sorry for myself, hated myself, hated this body that had let me down, failing to keep my baby alive to be born safely.
I hid from the world, not wanting to get out of the house.
I numbed myself to calm the rage inside of me, nothing seemed to help.
Guilty for not being more cheerful for my two lovely children.
I felt like I had lost my way.
The daily reminders of what I had lost, injections, tests and treatments, the fight to go on because I’m a mum and I owe it to my children.
Then I see them smile again, hear them laughing and one day I stop crying myself to sleep.
Little by little, I became stronger despite this body of mine that insists on playing tricks with me.
It’s all part of the grieving process. You think your world has ended. nothing will ever be the same.
I died a little that dreadful day, I did slide away I suppose …
Until eventually I came alive again.