Virgin suicide

As luck would happen while going through my notes the other day ( I’m a messy writer) I came across the first piece I wrote in french.

Why did I write it in french? Perhaps because I was in France and my memories had been stirred, I’d just gone through an amazing change in my life following a very distressing period of my life.

I wrote about this in my first poem,  in a funny way it was easier to express my thoughts in french, less hurtful.

The last few days I’ve been thinking about suicide anyway having read Ann Scott’s  powerful article in a french newspaper where she talks about the loss of her friends.

Why do some people think about suicide and others actually go through with it?
  • for some, it’s a cry for help.
  • others are determined to end it all.
  • some go through a moment of despair and are sometimes quite glad that they haven’t succeeded.

Children think about killing themselves too.They might not know what suicide is but they get so desperate that  they want to end it all.

I remember being one of them, I was very young when the thought of dying became much more appealing than living.I was a very unhappy child, one that suffered abuse.

I thought about it on and off through my childhood, for me it was the easy way out at the time.

Then I grew up and took control of my life.I never thought about dying past that point until one day life played another nasty trick on me.

I was going  through a very difficult and emotionally draining time.Everything was falling apart but I had my children and I was strong.

One day, I became pregnant again, was overjoyed, another little one to cuddle and love.I was very ill sure but it didn’t matter, except this time it was a lot more serious and soon I was  fighting for my life.I found myself at the back of an ambulance not knowing whether I’d see my children again.

Then it all went black until I woke up and the baby was gone.

There were times after that when I did not want to fight anymore and the temptation was there to let this illness claim my life too.Then I looked at my children and it sparked me back into action.It was a very small spark to begin with, it took time.

More than ever I respect life as always, life is precious and we all have something to give, sometimes it just takes time to appreciate what we can all achieve.

If you take your life, that’s final, you don get a chance to make your life better.I could never inflict that on my children.

I suppose I’ve always had a strong survival instinct, a belief deep down that there is always a light at the end of the darkest of tunnels.

That’s why I explain to my children that life is a long endless cycle.Many things may happen,little and not so little tragedies but sooner or later there will be rejoicing again.It’s the circle of life.

14 thoughts on “Virgin suicide

  1. It’s so true, although something may seem like an unclimbable mountain, there will be plenty of amazing views from peaks and peaceful valleys as well.

  2. What an interesting post.
    Even at my darkest moments i’ve never, seriously, thought about ending it.
    I’ve not known how to carry on, sure. But that’s different.
    I have a belief somewhere inside me that there is light at the end somewhere. That things will eventually be okay. That isn’t something you can shake.

  3. Very powerful.

    In case you haven’t read it, think you might enjoy the book The Evolution Angel by Dr. Todd Michaels.
    If you do read it would love to know what you thought.

  4. I remember someone writing about you saying “fragility never seen so strong…”
    Amazing and inspiring post !

  5. The then 7-year-old boy of a couple my family is friends with once asked, “Do you think my parents would fight less if I didn’t get in trouble all the time?”

    A week later, he hanged himself in the back yard.

  6. Oh Elle. Thank you for sharing this. Having suffered from depression, and having a family member commit suicide, I am a huge advocate of being open and vocal about such thoughts – the more we share, the more we help.

    • Thank you !
      I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’ve recovered from your depression.
      It is so true about sharing, I remember that once I started opening up, many of my friends started doing the same and I’ve met or talked to many other people because of that.

  7. Your words always stir the heart & soul and make me stop and reflect. I’ve been to that brink and went through with it but failed not long ago. Am I glad I failed? Some part of me is and some part of me still tugs at my confidence in being able to climb back up any peak.

    Something held me back from cutting deeper and whatever it was, it is my salvation. That and the wise words & inspiration from all my Twitter friends.

    I am alive and have a heart that beats louder than my fears and doubts speak of me.

  8. I remember reading in shock. I am grateful that you are still with us, there was obviously a force within you that stopped you just in time.
    You know there are a lot of people who care about you.I know it ‘s so hard when you’re on the brink of despair, so many times I’ve wanted to slide away, just for a while, escape from the pain.
    I was always driven as a child by the certainty there had to be something else, something better.
    I have now finally reached this stage where I am happy and fulfilled, it’s been a long road with lots of car crashes in between, a tiredness and weariness you never imagine possible, all the while trying to remember my motto that there’s always somebody worse off than me in this world.
    Thank you for being my friend, I always think of you even if we are far away.
    Stay strong, hugs

  9. Wow, this is amazing, learning more and more about you, such strength !
    Also loved to learn how you started writing in french, so lovely!

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