As luck would happen while going through my notes the other day ( I’m a messy writer) I came across the first piece I wrote in french.
Why did I write it in french? Perhaps because I was in France and my memories had been stirred, I’d just gone through an amazing change in my life following a very distressing period of my life.
I wrote about this in my first poem, in a funny way it was easier to express my thoughts in french, less hurtful.
The last few days I’ve been thinking about suicide anyway having read Ann Scott’s powerful article in a french newspaper where she talks about the loss of her friends.
Why do some people think about suicide and others actually go through with it?
- for some, it’s a cry for help.
- others are determined to end it all.
- some go through a moment of despair and are sometimes quite glad that they haven’t succeeded.
Children think about killing themselves too.They might not know what suicide is but they get so desperate that they want to end it all.
I remember being one of them, I was very young when the thought of dying became much more appealing than living.I was a very unhappy child, one that suffered abuse.
I thought about it on and off through my childhood, for me it was the easy way out at the time.
Then I grew up and took control of my life.I never thought about dying past that point until one day life played another nasty trick on me.
I was going through a very difficult and emotionally draining time.Everything was falling apart but I had my children and I was strong.
One day, I became pregnant again, was overjoyed, another little one to cuddle and love.I was very ill sure but it didn’t matter, except this time it was a lot more serious and soon I was fighting for my life.I found myself at the back of an ambulance not knowing whether I’d see my children again.
Then it all went black until I woke up and the baby was gone.
There were times after that when I did not want to fight anymore and the temptation was there to let this illness claim my life too.Then I looked at my children and it sparked me back into action.It was a very small spark to begin with, it took time.
More than ever I respect life as always, life is precious and we all have something to give, sometimes it just takes time to appreciate what we can all achieve.
If you take your life, that’s final, you don get a chance to make your life better.I could never inflict that on my children.
I suppose I’ve always had a strong survival instinct, a belief deep down that there is always a light at the end of the darkest of tunnels.